There’s a syndicated column about drugs on ABCNews.com that might force the Drug Law Blog to retire the Crappy Hackington Award. (Trust me, if you were a regular reader of drug war reform websites, you would have gotten that previous sentence.)
The article is by one Kim Kommando, who proclaims herself “America’s Digital Goddess ©” on her website. Her site also claims she “has written nine books about life in the digital age.” Her syndicated column also appears on USAToday.com. She got paid to write this horrible, hilarious column for websites and she wrote nine books and she probably swims in a vault of gold doubloons (á la Scrooge McDuck) every night. That someone is paying her to write (about technology, no less) is simply a frightening thought.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Komando’s article is straightforward in its effect. It’s even titled, “Web Delivers New Worry for Parents: Digital Drugs,” and she is trying to get people to forward around this article and get more traffic for her site or higher book sales or something else that proves there is no justice in this world. Hey, look, a Washington radio station reports on the excellent reporting of Kim Komando!
Sorry, I shall introduce you to the horror of ol’ Kimmy K. Her lead:
We all know that music can alter your mood. Sad songs can make you cry. Upbeat songs may give you an energy boost. But can music create the same effects as illegal drugs?
This seems like a ridiculous question. But websites are targeting your children with so-called digital drugs. These are audio files designed to induce drug-like effects.
All your child needs is a music player and headphones.
Dun dun dun!!! What you don’t know… about your children’s headphones… can kill them! I also enjoy the idea that because a website is selling something, that makes it a real thing. If that were the case, most men in America would have lots of anonymous sex with their 14-inch penises constantly hard from Viagra.
Some sites provide binaural beats that have innocuous effects. For example, some claim to help you develop extrasensory powers like telepathy and psychokinesis.
Other sites offer therapeutic binaural beats. They help you relax or meditate. Some allegedly help you overcome addiction or anxiety. Others purport to help you lose weight or eliminate gray hair.
However, most sites are more sinister. They sell audio files (“doses”) that supposedly mimic the effects of alcohol and marijuana.
But it doesn’t end there. You’ll find doses that purportedly mimic the effects of LSD, crack, heroin and other hard drugs. There are also doses of a sexual nature. I even found ones that supposedly simulate heaven and hell.
Yes. Watch out, parents! Your children may get to experience heaven! I also can’t believe I haven’t been doing more binaural beats. (Could we call it ‘beating’ or ‘naur-ing’?) Apparently, they can make you telepathic, give you the experience of drugs without any actual chemicals and allows you to move things with your mind like Jean Grey. And some of those are the innocuous ones!
Many are skeptical about the effects of digital drugs. Few scientific studies have been conducted on binaural beats.
Gee, what a surprise. Okay, so here’s the reveal where Kim Komando says she’s kidding and the column was a parody of bad drug reporting. Hm. Or she could, say, find a doctor to say some sort of vague statement she can spin as a sign of certainty that digital drugs — remember, this is the hilarious danger this article is about — work.
Dr. Nicholas Theodore, a brain surgeon at Barrow Neurological Institute in Phoenix, said there is no real evidence that idosers work. But he noted that musical preference is indicative of emotional vulnerability. Trying idosers could indicate a willingness to experiment with drugs and other dangerous behavior.
Theodore added that idosers are another reason to monitor kids’ Internet usage. And, he said, kids need frank talks with their parents about correct choices.
“I suspect this ‘Pied Piper’ phenomenon will pass rapidly and quietly,” he said.
Man,
Kim Komando really does her research for her columns. She takes internet safety advice from
brain surgeons.
Online, many people have posted their experiences with digital drugs. They tout the effectiveness of binaural beats.
Or, go to YouTube. You’ll see videos of teens experimenting with digital drugs. You can decide for yourself if binaural beats induce drug-like effects.
Ahh, yes, YouTube, the source for much hilarious drug reporting (i.e. salvia). This article’s way more serious, though, as you can experience hell itself with these digital drugs.
Companies that sell digital drugs claim they’re safe. Supposedly, they won’t affect your physical health.
Let’s think about this for a moment. The sites claim binaural beats cause the same effects as illegal drugs. These drugs impair coordination and can cause hallucinations. They’ve caused countless fatal accidents, like traffic collisions.
If binaural beats work as promised, they are not safe. They could also create a placebo effect. The expectation elicits the response. Again, this is unsafe.
Since Kim Komando is against binaural beats (this is a better term than digital drugs), I have to imagine buried in her archives is a column bashing comic books for selling x-ray specs to unsuspecting children. (“If x-ray specs work as promised, they are a violation of privacy!”)
I also have to assume the effect would wear off if one took the headphones off. And nobody drives with headphones, right? I also really like the idea of labeling the placebo effect as “unsafe.” I mean, I guess that’s one way to put it.
At the very least, digital drugs promote drug use. Some sites say binaural beats can be used with illegal drugs.
The sites also look favorably on the effects of illegal drugs. So, talk to your children. Make sure they understand the dangers of this culture. It could be a small jump from digital drugs to the real thing.
Yes, tell them all about digital drugs and how they should never, ever, ever listen to them. (Except for digital alcohol, when they turn 21.) I also really enjoy the new gateway theory, digital drugs leading kids to regular drugs, she’s come up with. If we can just keep our kids off binaural beats, we can shut down drug use entirely!
I get paid to write a lot of stuff. Some of it is stupid or silly or vulgar or whatever; sometimes I wonder how I managed that scam. Forget it, though, because Kim Komando is a pro at running getting-paid-to-write scams. She even has a radio show! About technology! Where she presumably warns her listeners about the dangers of digital drugs!
Sorry. I’ll stop. I’ve been watching too much Olympics, I think.
7 months ago